What I realized when I read this verse is that there is a distinct difference between feeling joy in a moment God gave to me, and pursuing those moments as the only way to fill my soul. I don’t need to withhold my joy when I feel it bubbling up, but I do need to be sure that what I seek is not simply that joy.
We have to trust that where we’ve seen God work before, where we’ve seen him faithful, he will always be faithful. And even if we haven’t walked hard rocky trails before, we’ve seen other people run them with abandon. We’ve seen men and women of faith who have walked before us, and we have seen God be faithful. We need to trust that if there is beauty for them, God also has planned beauty for us.
And every night as I tried to sleep, I turned to my bible, and asked God, what do you want me to do? Why am I here? Why can’t I play any more? Unfortunately, there are no verses in the Bible that said “Ondi you were not meant to play soccer, you were meant to run.” I had to listen, and pray, and wait.
There can be deep sorrow and grieving alongside our hope in the Lord, and our faith that he will redeem all of this for our good. We can grieve over things we are missing, and be hopeful that God is doing big important things in his time; these two things can coincide. It is not either or, it is all of it, together.
The Lord has to be greater than my fear. I have told so many people that, I’ve proclaimed it to be true, for everyone else. And, in this venture, I will proclaim its truth for myself, for my life, for my calling to write. The Lord has made me a writer and I will no longer beg him to call someone else. I will go, and he will “be with me as I speak, and will instruct me in what to say.”