And every night as I tried to sleep, I turned to my bible, and asked God, what do you want me to do? Why am I here? Why can’t I play any more? Unfortunately, there are no verses in the Bible that said “Ondi you were not meant to play soccer, you were meant to run.” I had to listen, and pray, and wait.
Before summer camp a lot of the things I did and experienced were miracles of the Lord, and I would come to him in those times with a deep sense of awe for what he had done. What I didn’t do was acknowledge in all things, that he was the Lord, and that I was grateful. I still struggle with this; I think we all do.
When God is asking me to wait, he knows everything about my circumstance. He knows everything about what my life will be like when he finally gives me a no or a yes. He knows that I will be ready, and I will be grateful when he finally answers. He knows lightyears ahead of me that the waiting is the good stuff…
I know that David was told by God not to kill Saul, but goodness gracious Saul was breaking so many rules (his own promises included), so didn’t he deserve to be attacked when David clearly had the chance? And more than that, didn’t David deserve success instead of all the cave-hiding he was doing? And why did God present these opportunities and expect David not to act? Did God forget he had anointed him?
And more than that, what was I supposed to do about what I didn’t know? I knew the first step wasn’t action. Action on behalf of someone without knowledge of their story would just be ignorance. It would just be saving face, or making myself feel better. I knew that I needed to sit with the information, process it, and learn as much as I could. And I needed to repent of the ways that I had ignored or belittled the stories in the first place. I needed to lament and repent at the state of our country that led to protests being the only thing that could lead to change.
Midway through college I was awoken in the middle of the night by several missed calls on my phone. They were all from unknown numbers,